Between Orientation, spring break for my parents, and sending off my best friend happily wed, I have had plenty tests of patience and prioritizing-my results: FAIL.
I've experienced more anger this past week than I have in well over a year. It has been a while since I've gotten so caught up in doing and being, that I have ignored the one who never leaves, and always satisfies-JESUS. Tonight, I realize how clearly my sinking depression this evening is reflective of my own neglect of the One of Love of my life, the Lover of my Soul. The only who will never leave, and never fail me, is the one I continually hide from, make excuses to avoid, and complain when He removes the blessings He's placed in front of me-only to remind me of Him.
Don't get me wrong, their have been bright and beautiful moments throughout the past week: for instance, God bringing two of my dear friends safely into town for the wedding, finally beginning orientation at the hospital just as it initiated a Hiring freeze, and watching two dearly loved friends become one in and for Christ. So, tell me, what in all this would lead me to express anger and sadness, loss and confusion? The latter are reasons to praise and exalt my King, for demonstrating His love and grace to me daily; but I was caught up in all the tasks involved, and looking at what is hardest in this situation, rather than acknowledging Who HE is in the midst of it all, who He has always been, and always will be.
A couple weeks ago we had a conversation in a small bible study about what to do when we don't "feel" like worshiping. This seems relevant now-as it seems that it was my feelings about all that I needed to get done, and my laziness to reserve time with just Him, remembering who He is in it all, just because I didn't feel like I could make time for Him, that I went through this week without reading my bible at all. It didn't mean that I didn't pray, or that I never meditated on God's word, but I knew I needed more, and yet continually ignored Him in a time where I was depending on His grace and truth more than ever.
Tonight, I finally stopped and said okay, God, You're right, I need to actually stop and listen, instead of filling my mind with other things to distract myself from all that I'm thinking and feeling. I need to face both, by offering them to You, seeking Your forgiveness for how I've treated You, and spending time praising and reflecting on Your blessings. After this, I found that the reasons to praise Him far out-weighed those to be angry, and that I only had myself to blame for how I felt-no one else, and nothing that different circumstances could truly have changed. So here I am, reminded again of who God is and has been in the midst of it all-when I've ignored Him, He's remained faithful, brought me through yet another overwhelming set of steps toward what He has in store, all for His glory. And because it is all for His glory, and Who He is remains the same no matter how I feel, or where my thoughts wander, because of this Truth... I can always lift my hands to worship Him, for He is always Worthy of my praise. He doesn't need me to be worthy when I come-He makes me worthy, and in grace and love, He gently reminds me of who I was, who I am, and who He's called me to be.
P.S. I wrote this last week, before my friends wedding had actually taken place. The day after the wedding, I spent more time seeking forgiveness and grace, crying at Jesus' feet than I have in a long time: it was long over-due.
ReplyDeleteA book I read often says this: "And never forget that the spiritual war is fought-and won-on your knees."-Sheri Rose Shepherd