Patience

I wrote the following while patiently sitting in the hospital with my grandma today.

The other day, while sitting in the Emergency room with my grandma Harriet, she came to the following conclusion: “Now I know why they call patients, ‘patient.’” I couldn’t help but agree with her statement, as I sat there for two hours waiting to hear from an RN or Doctor as to the results of her tests and plan of care for my grandma; the frustration was that after three hours of waiting with her, I still hadn’t even met her RN or Doctor! Being a nursing graduate, I was having the battle within me of being patient and understanding of how busy the nurses in an Emergency room are, but also wanting to know what was going on with my grandma! I was convinced I knew what was the reason for her admittance and the diagnosis they’d be giving her, and frustrated that they didn’t seem to feel the need to inform either of us of what was taking place, or respond to the dozens of times her machine had begun beeping because her Resps were too fast or too slow, or her BP very low again. Later an RN informed me that they are just so used to hearing the beeping, that they don’t think about coming in to make it stop; meanwhile my grandma sleeps through the obnoxious repetition of beeps that is only making my blood pressure rise in anticipation.

I’ve always considered myself a very patient person, but lately I’ve felt more like someone in a waiting room waiting to hear the inevitable diagnosis for her loved one, feeling as though the answer would never come. I feel like I’ve been asking God question after question, and He’s given me no solid answer, and instead I’m just floating out on my last limb of faith waiting for Him to do something BIG! Someone once told me never to ask God for more patience, because He will do just that! I think back to all the times I’ve ignored this advice and asked God to give me patience, and realize that I’ve gotten exactly what I’ve asked for: more situations that increase my patience in waiting in hope and faith for what the LORD and Savior of my life has in store for me.

The most frustrating test of my patience lately has been in waiting for my career as an RN to finally begin. I’ve been a graduate for nearly 4 months now, and have had my RN license in Minnesota for a month. The problem is, I don’t live in Minnesota, never have, and probably never will. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunate that I was able to find that Minnesota is the one state that would allow me to take the RN boards (the NCLEX) without having a license in my foreign-trained province of BC, Canada. So previous to graduation I had all my paperwork into Minnesota ready to take the test, and just had to wait for my school to send my paper-work in so that I could register to take the test in my local hometown of Spokane. This took a little longer as there was a mix-up in the information I had from my school and a delay in these papers being sent, so that I was finally able to take my exam on February 10th, 2009. One week later, I was pleasantly surprised to receive my Minnesota license in the mail, and be able to send off my paperwork to WA state’s department of health, in hopes of receiving my RN license by endorsement. Apparently, WA state is much slower, and it usually takes 4-6 weeks for licenses to be processed, longer if you’ve been trained out of the country or are applying by endorsement-both of which define me.

I had secured a job at Sacred Heart back in January, and now only had to wait for WA state to process and issue my license. I kept watching in anticipation on-line for my license to change from pending to active, but the first orientation date I was scheduled for at the beginning of March came and went, with no active license, and thus postponing my orientation another two weeks. The week before I was supposed to start orientation-on March 16th, I called the department of licensing to investigate the status of my license, and inform them that I was just waiting on them to begin working. They informed me that my license was just two steps away from being approved and made active, and it should be ready by the first of the week--one week before my rescheduled orientation. So I waited with excitement for my license to be active and to officially claim my title as RN! Unfortunately, the last week has come and gone, I’ve had several phone conversations with one of the individuals working on processing my license, and after telling me multiple times to check the next morning for my license should be listed as active, and seeing that it wasn’t, I finally surrendered when the deadline came last Friday for it to be active before my orientation this past Monday. So, here I am, sitting with my grandma while she sleeps, playing nurse, but still unable to practice what I’ve been taught through four and one-half years of school!

I keep trying to look at it from God’s perspective, but I think I’m still missing it. Isaiah 55 has been coming to my mind quite often: “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord” (verse 8). This verse is applicable in any area of life, but seems especially relevant right now. Among other things, I’m still awaiting and praying all the more desperately for Him to show me if, when and how I should return to India, if I really am going to be able to pursued a career in adolescent psychiatry, and if all of the ways I desire to glorify Him are based on more than just my own feelings. I’ve always looked to the future, had goals and a means to get there, but right now, I find myself just sitting and waiting, trying to be patient, which depends totally on my faith and hope in a Sovereign God-which wavers far too easily for my taste.

So I recognize that my ability to be patient resides solely in my faith in God and His timing. I don’t know how many times He has to prove to me that His timing is best, and His thoughts and ways are not in line with mine, before I will finally listen. Just today a read a beautiful analogy written by a dear friend of mine about “Dancing with Jesus.” I realize that as a violinist, it is in my nature to rush, and as a human, it is in my nature to try to independently figure out my own way forward, and try to lead God instead of surrendering to His leading. I keep making my own rhythms and tunes to dance to, in hopes to speed up the process, while He remains the same; He even takes me back to the parts where I’ve begun to stray off, to work those out to make the dance more smooth and beautiful than ever. What’s incredible to me is that He never grows tired or weary, He never stops pursuing me to step with Him, and that the dance won’t end until we are beautifully in sync according to His thoughts and ways.

I hope that through my ramblings and multiple stories and analogies, you might find some encouragement of how He may be moving in your life, beyond your comprehension. And don’t fear, if today you seem even a little out of sync, He’s always faithful to get you back on track:

“Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
And his descendants will inherit the land.
The Lord confides in those who fear him;
He makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.”
-Psalm 25:12-15, NLT