My unforgettable night...

II Corinthians 12:8-11

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Today I want to share with you all a recent day in which my weaknesses and failures became very real to me. At the close of this day, I wanted nothing but to forget what I had done wrong, forget the negative comments from co-workers, and forget this day had ever occurred. God wouldn’t let me forget it, but He also wasn’t going to let me dwell in shame and loss; no, He turned my mistakes and sorrows into one of the best lessons I’ve learned, for my career and for my life.

This past week I had a patient who presented with symptoms of a stroke, that had been taken for over-sedation on the shift before me, and continued to be interpreted as such through most of my shift. Throughout the night she persisted in her drowsiness, slurred speech, and mild weakness, and at 5am it was even more apparent that she was more confused, pupils not equally reactive to light, left-sided weakness--all the symptoms of a stroke. I was not present at this assessment, as I was with another patient, but whatever the charge nurse saw at this time that was not seen at midnight convinced her to call our rapid response team to assess her. When they arrived they asked me to call a “code stroke,” which would bring the stroke team in the hospital to assess my patient. In the stream of events that followed, I could not count the number of times I pushed fear and loss of control aside, just praying for the confidence and understanding to intervene on behalf of this patient, and wishing I had done it much sooner.

In those last 2 hours of my day at work, I called on many of my co-workers to help me finish care for other patients, continuing to push aside the doubts in my own care for this patient, and wishing I had done or could do more. As I received feedback from co-workers, they continued to say that I should have called, regardless of what my charge nurse had advised; I should have followed my gut instinct. The most discouraging reprimand came from the nurse I gave report to that morning, when three of the nurses in unison recited “it doesn’t matter” in response to what my charge had told me – I still should have called. The nurse taking over care of my patient gave me a short, pointed lecture about the consequences of not calling when we first questioned the patients' stability-even if it was just over-sedation. All of this to say, the tears I had been fighting all morning as I tried to keep myself together to give report to the necessary people and relay the events of the morning in my documentation, came pouring out in that moment.

Praise the Lord for my floor manager, day charge nurses, and other staff present- they offered me great reassurance in the face of insults and discouraging words. They reassured me that I had responded to what I’d observed, and done what I knew to do-get a second opinion from my charge, someone with more experience than I had-who would not over-react as I easily do. And we had caught it in time, we did make the call, maybe later than we should, but we did. They encouraged me that I give excellent care to my patients, and that I’m a great nurse… but for some reason, I could barely hear those voices over the one that tore me to pieces.

I have often recognized how our human minds and egos can hear encouragement from many sources and be edified by those whose opinions really do matter most, but one destructive comment or negative opinion can make the wall of positive feedback crumble, and all you have left is shame and regret. The next 24 hrs I spent fighting those words and the constant urge to turn over the events of the night in my head. I wondered if things would have been different if I’d called sooner, and questioned if I have what it takes to handle situations that nurses are faced with every day-situations like this.

Two verses gave me comfort in those 24 hours, one is already on this page-Is. 62, a prayer for “Zion” – I just had to replace Zion with my patient’s name. Entrusting her life and recovery from the stroke to Him-remembering that I could not have prevented her stroke, or stopped it from happening. Secondly, the next day, I read the verse I placed at the beginning of this post – hearing above all else “My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” That’s when I realized I’d been listening to the wrong voices. Later that day I met with a close friend and mentor, a fellow nurse who knew of the situation and offered practical and spiritual guidance, and emotional support. She encouraged me again, “listen to the truth.”

So much I have learned through my weakness, so much that I want to boast in it-because His grace and power are made known in my weakness. This patient’s life will be changed permanently-a stroke is a devastating injury to the body; but it was unpreventable. This event was not in my power to prevent, it was only in my power to call other to its attention. God gave me that opportunity, and gave me an experience I will never forget, and handle better in the future. He gave me an opportunity to learn how to listen to His voice of Truth above the noise of other opinions. He has given me strength and encouragement to want to be a better nurse, a better servant to my patients and co-workers. He has made nursing a ministry, and though at times this makes it harder to face situations where patients suffer as this one has, we have a sovereign God who holds us all in His hands through the recovery process.

Be encouraged today that you have the ability to encourage and build people up, or tear them down. Don’t ever hesitate to give encouragement to another-chances are they need another voice to speak above the enemy’s discouragement. Acknowledge that your weaknesses are divine opportunities for God’s power to be made manifest in your life. He gives us everything we lack. He does not want us to dwell in shame, but to fall before Him in surrender, receive His grace, and stand again in His power and for His glory. What privilege we have to stand for Him! All Glory to Him who calls foolish sinners to display His mighty power and draw a broken people to Himself. And Always, Always Listen to the Truth.

Micah 7:7-9, 18-29, NLT
7 As for me, I look to the Lord for help.
I wait confidently for God to save me,
and my God will certainly hear me.
8 Do not gloat over me, my enemies!
For though I fall, I will rise again.
Though I sit in darkness,
the Lord will be my light.
9 I will be patient as the Lord punishes me,
for I have sinned against him.
But after that, he will take up my case
and give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies.
The Lord will bring me into the light,
and I will see his righteousness…
18 Where is another God like you,
who pardons the guilt of the remnant,
overlooking the sins of his special people?
You will not stay angry with your people forever,
because you delight in showing unfailing love.
19 Once again you will have compassion on us.
You will trample our sins under your feet
and throw them into the depths of the ocean!
20 You will show us your faithfulness and unfailing love
as you promised to our ancestors Abraham and Jacob long ago.