"Two steps, somewhere else." Lately I feel like I'm moving forward, with no real understanding of where I'll end up. Granted, this has been the theme of my life, but at least I always thought I knew where I was going. Now, I have no idea. I returned two weeks ago to Langley, BC for my Universty Graduation Ceremony-where I actually graduated from my program four months ago. As I reconnected with my friends and fellow class-mates, I recalled the fear I felt as I stepped out of my student-role into my professional role-something I'm only beginning to grasp now. I witness all around me the fear and excitement of meeting those long-held dreams fulfilled! And then I realized how far I still have to go. I have many dreams and goals, but stepping forward lately has seemed to move further from those dreams, and towards an unknown world of medicine that terrifies and overwhelms, that I feel completely unprepared and unfit for.
The frustrating thing is that at a very young age, and unusually young age, I knew what I wanted to do with me life: ministry, specifically overseas, and so I've pursued that ever since. But somehow I feel that now, I've been deterred-and it's so frustrating! Even within the field of nursing, I found something that fit so perfectly, where I was fulfilled within, and blessing others for the sake of Christ; yet since I've graduated, I have left that direction to pursue another in hopes that it will prepare me for what's ahead-though I often do not see how.
I hate fruitless travel-I loathe doing anything without purpose... truly. Even relaxation or recreation has purpose-to rest my mind and restore it for the next step forward, the next day. Or a night's rest to process the days findings. The sad thing is how often I find myself distracted into laziness or empty fruitless pursuits-that's when I feel most ashamed and depressed.
Still, lately I feel as though I'm walking down the wrong path, into a hole I can't turn back from. In this case, in an entirely different direction from my dreams, and all that I thought I was. Loyalty is a quality I prize-in other people and myself. Yet now, it seems my loyalty to a hospital and new employers and employees, I fear I'll never be able to leave them to pursue what I've always worked for and believed in. I'm so afraid of giving up my dream of returning to India, settling for something less out of loyalty to the world. I'm scared that if I keep traveling down this road, I won't turn back or move in the direction I want to. I will never live my dreams of working with you in the depths of emotional and spiritual loss, of opening my home to them, and returning to the country that has been on my heart almost half of my life: INDIA.
Praise the LORD that He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11). So often I have wondered at where my decisions will lead me and what ministry God has in store next... and everywhere I've gone, I've found purpose in my life, a place and people to minister to and with. Praise Him that He will keep my path straight, bringing my feet back to the place they stand firm, moving forward before Him-my ultimate end. Praise Him that only in Him do I find my joy, and in so doing, give Him the ultimate glory. John Piper has said, "God is most glorified, when we are most satisfied in Him." Oh Lord, make me satisfied in You, wherever I am, whatever I am doing, that You would be most glorified in me! I'm so thankful for this promise: "And I am sure that God, who began a good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again" (Phil. 1:6). And so I will continue in the journey, fighting hard for the Truth I am convicted of daily, hoping and trusting in Him who will never leave, nor forsake us. Whether I have nothing, or plenty, whether I fade into the collage of medicine that consumes me every day, or move forward to minister to the needs of those God so often brings to mind; whether I remain in Spokane my whole life, return to Langley, or move half-way across the world to serve in the villages of India, I know my life is in His hands and for His Glory... and that is all I need to believe and know.
May You find peace in knowing His plans for you are good, and joy in knowing His grace will sustain you, His love dwell within and around you, and His power be ever perfect in your weakness.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
A Weak Week....
Between Orientation, spring break for my parents, and sending off my best friend happily wed, I have had plenty tests of patience and prioritizing-my results: FAIL.
I've experienced more anger this past week than I have in well over a year. It has been a while since I've gotten so caught up in doing and being, that I have ignored the one who never leaves, and always satisfies-JESUS. Tonight, I realize how clearly my sinking depression this evening is reflective of my own neglect of the One of Love of my life, the Lover of my Soul. The only who will never leave, and never fail me, is the one I continually hide from, make excuses to avoid, and complain when He removes the blessings He's placed in front of me-only to remind me of Him.
Don't get me wrong, their have been bright and beautiful moments throughout the past week: for instance, God bringing two of my dear friends safely into town for the wedding, finally beginning orientation at the hospital just as it initiated a Hiring freeze, and watching two dearly loved friends become one in and for Christ. So, tell me, what in all this would lead me to express anger and sadness, loss and confusion? The latter are reasons to praise and exalt my King, for demonstrating His love and grace to me daily; but I was caught up in all the tasks involved, and looking at what is hardest in this situation, rather than acknowledging Who HE is in the midst of it all, who He has always been, and always will be.
A couple weeks ago we had a conversation in a small bible study about what to do when we don't "feel" like worshiping. This seems relevant now-as it seems that it was my feelings about all that I needed to get done, and my laziness to reserve time with just Him, remembering who He is in it all, just because I didn't feel like I could make time for Him, that I went through this week without reading my bible at all. It didn't mean that I didn't pray, or that I never meditated on God's word, but I knew I needed more, and yet continually ignored Him in a time where I was depending on His grace and truth more than ever.
Tonight, I finally stopped and said okay, God, You're right, I need to actually stop and listen, instead of filling my mind with other things to distract myself from all that I'm thinking and feeling. I need to face both, by offering them to You, seeking Your forgiveness for how I've treated You, and spending time praising and reflecting on Your blessings. After this, I found that the reasons to praise Him far out-weighed those to be angry, and that I only had myself to blame for how I felt-no one else, and nothing that different circumstances could truly have changed. So here I am, reminded again of who God is and has been in the midst of it all-when I've ignored Him, He's remained faithful, brought me through yet another overwhelming set of steps toward what He has in store, all for His glory. And because it is all for His glory, and Who He is remains the same no matter how I feel, or where my thoughts wander, because of this Truth... I can always lift my hands to worship Him, for He is always Worthy of my praise. He doesn't need me to be worthy when I come-He makes me worthy, and in grace and love, He gently reminds me of who I was, who I am, and who He's called me to be.
I've experienced more anger this past week than I have in well over a year. It has been a while since I've gotten so caught up in doing and being, that I have ignored the one who never leaves, and always satisfies-JESUS. Tonight, I realize how clearly my sinking depression this evening is reflective of my own neglect of the One of Love of my life, the Lover of my Soul. The only who will never leave, and never fail me, is the one I continually hide from, make excuses to avoid, and complain when He removes the blessings He's placed in front of me-only to remind me of Him.
Don't get me wrong, their have been bright and beautiful moments throughout the past week: for instance, God bringing two of my dear friends safely into town for the wedding, finally beginning orientation at the hospital just as it initiated a Hiring freeze, and watching two dearly loved friends become one in and for Christ. So, tell me, what in all this would lead me to express anger and sadness, loss and confusion? The latter are reasons to praise and exalt my King, for demonstrating His love and grace to me daily; but I was caught up in all the tasks involved, and looking at what is hardest in this situation, rather than acknowledging Who HE is in the midst of it all, who He has always been, and always will be.
A couple weeks ago we had a conversation in a small bible study about what to do when we don't "feel" like worshiping. This seems relevant now-as it seems that it was my feelings about all that I needed to get done, and my laziness to reserve time with just Him, remembering who He is in it all, just because I didn't feel like I could make time for Him, that I went through this week without reading my bible at all. It didn't mean that I didn't pray, or that I never meditated on God's word, but I knew I needed more, and yet continually ignored Him in a time where I was depending on His grace and truth more than ever.
Tonight, I finally stopped and said okay, God, You're right, I need to actually stop and listen, instead of filling my mind with other things to distract myself from all that I'm thinking and feeling. I need to face both, by offering them to You, seeking Your forgiveness for how I've treated You, and spending time praising and reflecting on Your blessings. After this, I found that the reasons to praise Him far out-weighed those to be angry, and that I only had myself to blame for how I felt-no one else, and nothing that different circumstances could truly have changed. So here I am, reminded again of who God is and has been in the midst of it all-when I've ignored Him, He's remained faithful, brought me through yet another overwhelming set of steps toward what He has in store, all for His glory. And because it is all for His glory, and Who He is remains the same no matter how I feel, or where my thoughts wander, because of this Truth... I can always lift my hands to worship Him, for He is always Worthy of my praise. He doesn't need me to be worthy when I come-He makes me worthy, and in grace and love, He gently reminds me of who I was, who I am, and who He's called me to be.
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